I'm currently at our finca in Andalusia and I'm surprised at myself. I'm sitting in the middle of paradise: Palm trees sway gently in the wind, the lemon tree in our garden is in full bloom and the sun is pleasantly warm and not too hot today. I want to go to the sea soon, which is quite pleasant for swimming at this time of year (May/June). And above all: I have TIME.
I am surprised because my head simply does not want to find its way into this moment of presence in the now. I know, and I have experienced it 100 times, that when I succeed, I can feel the energy of my experience flowing through me. Everything feels alive and I can experience it with all my senses. I smile and just feel happy and content without a cause - without an external trigger. No striving, no need... Ah... I BREATHE and I AM. It is delicious...
But what does my head do... it plans, it thinks about past events... it repeats sentences that have been said. My forehead wrinkles and I notice a slight pressure in my stomach and my jaw becomes increasingly tight. But after years of mindfulness, I am practiced: I can watch it! That is already a gain. So AHA (stop - look - accept) And then I realize: I'm not THERE... I'm in my thoughts, as if they were speech bubbles outside my head! They always refer to what was or possibly will be... => Nothing but ideas and stories!
None of it is real! It is either long gone and just my memories under the filter of my evaluation, or it is simply ideas and hypotheses that do not yet exist. Neither in memory nor in vision - I know this and have understood it - is there happiness. The moment of now, that is all that is REAL and it is already over again.
The somatic reaction to this carousel of thoughts is often exertion or resistance. It takes strength, it makes you tired and it is never enough. Which is the worst thing: I am not THERE - I am not in connection - in contact with myself and everything that is. => I am trapped in TIME. It's bewitching, almost like a labyrinth from which I can't escape. The more I try, the more I get entangled in it. Or like quicksand, the more I struggle, the deeper I get into it and threaten to run out of air.
If I were now in a monastery or on a mountain in nature it would certainly be easier, I hear my thoughts say... and there it is again the inner commentator and throws me out of my paradise... seduces me... kidnaps me.
I have not yet found a patent solution and am practicing grace with myself... I am very happy to have ATEM by my side as my companion. It helps to build a bridge between the human being that I am and all my „I have to's“ and the soul, the spiritual being that looks with loving eyes in amazement at how one can struggle in the maze of time that doesn't really exist.
With these words I would like to say goodbye for today, the sea invites me to a new experience in the now
Kind regards
sandra
